ALFA
HUMOUR

16.03.17

 

[ Luigi sent in what is listed below. I think the original wording of the following had "Alfa" where the word "Jaguar" appears, but I could be wrong ! ... your humble Webnut ]

The Statements Jagnut Owners are Really Making:

Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX - I am impotent.
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people.
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel-well.
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate.
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen wheeler.
MGB - I am dating a mechanic.
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts.
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.

... but wait ... there's more ...

There are only 10 things in this world you need to fix a Jaguar (Alpha?), any place and any time.

Duct Tape - Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. Its safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in an easy to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding duct tape in concours competitions, but in the real world, everything from LeMans winning Porches to Atlas rockets use it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

Vice Grips - Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-til-it falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

Spray Lubricants - A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross eyed (one of the 10 worst tools of all time).

Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids - If you spend all you time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the petal valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (some of course chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
Big Rock at the Side of the Road - Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with
which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

Plastic Zip Ties - After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur quality wiring from a working model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course it works both ways. When buying a used car, subtract $100 for each zip tie under the hood.

Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver - Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting or mutilating than a huge flat bladed screwdriver particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving a stage in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver-and you will just like Dad and you shop teacher said-who cares if it has a lifetime guarantee.

Bailing Wire - Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concours contenders since it works so well you'll never need to replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.

Bonking Stick - This monstrous tuning fork with devilish pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod-separator, but how often do you separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be use to separate Tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

A Quarter and a Phone Booth - See tip #1 above

 

 

Weathernut Brian, Assitant Weathernut Tom, and Webnut Bob all were in a high speed e-type road rally, and were involved in a simultaneous fatal motor vehicle accident. So these three important men arrived before God to be judged at the same time. The conversation went something like this:

God turns to Brian and says, "Well, you have certainly turned your life around. You as Weathernut have increased the life standards of many Jag owners of the world bringing good weather to all. You certainly deserve to be seated here on my right side. Come right up here".

God then turns to Assistant Weathernut Tom and says "I appreciate all your intentions for environmental causes, pollution controls and the like and even though you haven't done very much, I have been watching you and your intentions should be rewarded. So I feel you deserve to be seated up here next to me on my left."

Webnut Bob then takes a few steps up and whispers to God, "Excuse me,but you're sitting in my seat."